Jokes
1994's Most Bizarre Suicide
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San
Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head.
The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- story building intending to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the
ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a
safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window
washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway
because of this."
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to
commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what
he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below
probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But
the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
"The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was
threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window
striking Opus.
"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the
old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was
loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife
with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the
killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot
his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the
death of Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the
son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on
March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
[Yup, the son was Ronald Opus]
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
Flying Chickens
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers", the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that
launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the
plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it will survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British
were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new,
speedy locomotive [the HST] they are developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken, and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel, and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to
see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and found all the data were as to be
expected, and the experiment had been done according to procedures, although
they did have one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
Parenthood
For those of you who have not contributed to the gene pool, read and learn.
For the rest of us, why do you always find out these things too late?
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and deco-rating
the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare
themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father:
- Women, to prepare for maternity:
put
on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front;
leave
it there for 9 months; and after
9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men, to prepare for paternity:
go to
the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell
the pharmacist to help himself;
then
go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office;
now
go home, pick up the paper and read it for the last time!
- Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents:
berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run riot; and
suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy
it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.
- To discover how the nights will feel:
walk
around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 8-12 lbs.;
at
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep;
get
up at 12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till
1am;
put
the alarm on for 3am;
as
you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink;
go to
bed at 2.45am;
get
up again at 3am when the alarm goes off and sing songs in the dark until
4am;
put
the alarm on for 5am;
get
up and make breakfast.
Keep
this up for 5 years and remember to look cheerful.
- Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains;
hide
a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer;
stick
your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls; and
cover
the stains with crayons.
How
does that look?
- Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
first
buy an octopus and a string bag; and
then
attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of its arms hang
out.
Time
allowed for this - all morning.
- Parent craft:
first
take an egg carton and using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it
into an alligator;
now
take a toilet tube and using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it
into a Christmas cracker;
last,
take a milk container, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco-Pops and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the
play-group committee.
- Forget the Mercedes and buy a Vauxhall. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars just don't look like
that:
buy a
chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment;
leave
it there;
get a
quarter and stick it in the cassette player;
take
a family-size packet of chocolate cookies and mash them down the back seats;
and
finally, run a garden rake along both sides of the
car.
There, perfect!
- Getting ready to go out? Try this:
wait
outside the toilet for half an hour;
go
out the front door;
come
in again;
go
out;
come
back in;
go
out again;
walk
down the front path;
walk
back up it;
walk
down it again;
walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes;
stop
to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue and dead insect along the way;
retrace your steps;
scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
neighbours come out and stare at you; and
give
up and go back into the house.
You
are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
- Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
- Shopping:
go to
your local supermarket;
take
with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown
goat is excellent;
if
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat;
buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight;
and
don't forget to pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until
you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
- Feeding:
hollow out a melon;
make
a small hole in the side;
suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to
side;
now
get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an aeroplane; continue until half the Weetabix is gone; and
then
tip
the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
You
are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
- Finally, learn the names of every character from: Postman Pat, Fireman Sam
and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat"
at work, you finally qualify as a parent!